strongarse's Blogs

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!" His friend replies, "That's great! Did you get a blowjob?" "No, I couldn't find her head."

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.

What do spinach and anal sex have in common? If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

What's the biggest cause of paedophilia in this country? Sexy kids.

Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you are a paedophile, but you just haven't met the right child yet?

My girlfriend said I've got the biggest cock she'd ever seen, That's one of the benefits of going out with a 10 year old.

Why is the bible like a penis? You get it forced down your throat by a priest.

Why are chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great watching one fall down a flight of stairs.

This prisoner escapes after 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and food, and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair and he ties the wife to the bed, and gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He's probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain and do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom, so I told him where to find it. Be strong, darling. I love you, too."

What do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common? They both leave little boys' bedrooms with empty sacks.

What's yellow and lives off dead beetles? Yoko Ono.

A priest, a paedophile and a homosexual walk into a bar...
He orders a drink.

What do you call an epileptic person in a wheelchair?
A Transformer!

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth.
In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.
He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their Daughter's' date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing. Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be
when he grows older?" The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law."


I was standing at a bar in the pub when I overheard this conversation between two blokes:
"Do you know what? I could have sex with any woman in this pub."
"Oh yeah? How's that then?"
"I'm a rapist."

What's black and runs into walls?
Jordan's baby.

When I first took her out, she looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to dance, she looked at me, giggled and smiled. When we first made love, she looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her to marry me, she looked at me, giggled and smiled. When I asked her if she enjoyed our first wedding anniversary celebrations, she looked at me, giggled and smiled. That's when it finally dawned on me that she was mentally handicapped.